Sound of rejection

No sound is louder than the silent sound of rejection.

Unfortunately, it's just something you have to get used to when you're doing the online-dating thing. You scour profiles, find the perfect person and it seems like you're their perfect person. You spend hours crafting the perfect email - the right balance of smart, witty and fun, only to be met with....

*crickets*

It happens; it's all a part of the game.

Read about it over at Singles Warehouse.

Skies of grey

A while back, I posted an open invitation for guest posts. Workingdan responded, saying he'd like to post something about dating from the perspective of a married man. 

As you can see from his post, things have turned around dramatically in Workingdan's life recently. I'm actually pretty honored that he sent this post to be published here, and am happy to share it. 

There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing a relationship. Losing a marriage is particularly tough; there's a sense of defeat that can only come from knowing promises and vows that you once made to family and friends - and perhaps even God - will go unfulfilled. It takes time, and love, and a lot of self-awareness to overcome those feelings. 

If Workingdan and his wife aren't able to work things out, I hope they both find the strength they need.

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I get home from work on perhaps what could be the longest day at work ever, declining a rare opportunity to work overtime. I go through the usual routine of emptying pockets and settling into what should be the comfort of my own home. I try to maintain the ritual of watching NFL Live, so I turn on the TV. Then I sit and stare at the Toshiba laptop that sits in front of me.

I eyeball the ice cold, beer flavored water that also sits in front of me, better know as Coors Light. I open it and take a long pull, downing a lump in my throat along with it, then return to staring down the laptop. Should I blog it?

With watery eyes, my mind tries to contemplate the recent circumstances and the meaning behind it all. The clock on the wall sends off it's persistent ticking into the void that is now my empty home. In the background, I can hear Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi present their thoughts on the upcoming matchup between the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys, but I'm not listening to them.

With another long chug from the beer, I light a cigarette and rise to my feet. I pace aimlessly about the house, stopping to stare out a random window. The light is fading into the distance as my eyes scan the gently rolling farmlands that surround my home. The remains of corn stalks protrude from the ground in various directions and it suddenly takes on a wasteland-like appearance.

The trees are silhouetted in the remainder of the light. Their leafless branches are nothing more than a black void, extending itself into the horizon, infecting the earth with it's loneliness. I proceed with pacing about the house, stopping and staring into the kids' bedrooms. Toys strewn about the floors in either room. Dresser drawers are half open and clothes are hanging over the edge. There are no kids in the room.

.....one day earlier...

It was a time I had been looking forward to, this week that is. My wife is off this whole week and finally I get to experience coming home to a wife and spending the evenings with her. But in the days leading up to Christmas and the days following, I could sense the distance between us.

Finally, on a Wednesday, just after eating left-over tacos, I ask my wife what is bothering her. She refused to answer. I could see her jaw tense, her breathing became short, rapid breaths. I could literally see the adrenaline flushing her body. I knew this could not be good.

I persist with my question. In a somber, heart broken tone, I ask her to tell me what it is. In a quick and quivery voice, she replies by announcing she wants a divorce. My heart sank as I could detect the seriousness in her statement. Panic sets in so I remove myself from the kitchen and retreat to a dark bedroom. She soon follows and shortly thereafter, announces her intentions to take the kids and go stay at her parents for the evening.

My tongue never works well in situations such as this. We tried to have a talk but was unsuccessful. After a long bit of silence, we emerge from the bedroom. The first thing I saw was the kids bundled up in their coats, waiting patiently to go stay at grandma's. Reality hits home and I soon lose control of my emotions.

Tears are streaming down my face as I plead for her to stay. I became even more heart broken when I could see the look on my daughter's face. Her eyes were filled with fear and concern. She may be young but she knows when something isn't right. She could see daddy crying, she knew.

I go back into the darkness of the bedroom to try to compose myself. The kids come in shortly after to offer a goodbye. I kiss them and squeeze them tightly. It took all that I had to muster up the words "Goodbye, I love you" and make it sound casual. I wasn't fooling anybody.

On their way out, my five year old son asks his mother "Mommy, why is daddy staying here all by himself?" That was a knockout punch. I immediately bury my face and sob. Tears and snot drip off my nose as I cried heavily into the night. 

.....back to the now....

The dark branches of loneliness now engulfs my home and I can no longer see out the windows. I retreat from the nothingness that lurks outside and take my seat on the couch. Toshiba makes it's presence known, staring me down. It wins the staring contest and I quickly reach for it and open it.

I open up the Firefox browser and all my usual sites and last browsing sessions pop up on the screen. I go to the Blogger dashboard and check my comments. Damon is telling me "nice post : D + follow". I become disgruntled at this very empty comment and refuse to view his page. I click the monetize tab to view today's earnings. It reads $0.00 thus further adding to the empty and painful feeling, lack of accomplishment.

I decide to visit my social sites and loosen up my fingers before I begin writing. Feeling the need to talk, I go to Facebook and check my online friends. My heart beat heavily in my chest when I seen her name. I click on her name then quickly lean back into the couch and light a smoke, planning my strategy on bringing her home. I can't lose her, I just can't!

I begin the chat session with a "Hey stranger". Tears start to roll down my cheeks as I am thankful for the opportunity to just be talking with her. Emotion takes control over reason and I begin to beg for her to come home. In the middle of the conversation as I continue to bawl, I go back to the dashboard and click on new post.

My fingers begin to spew forth words at a pace I have not achieved before. I continue writing and pleading with my wife at the same time, all while still crying and lighting one cigarette after another. I become frustrated at the fact that there is no changing her mind. I lose my temper and say things I shouldn't have. Our conversation comes to an end and the writing comes to a screeching halt.

I slam shut the laptop and bury my face in my hands and sob. Then my stomach lets out a deep, growling rumble, signifying that I have yet to eat anything. Without any appetite, I browse the contents on the fridge and cupboard for half an hour, opening and closing doors over and over again. I manage to choke down a bowl of cereal then I collapse face down onto the couch and fall into a restless sleep.

I woke the next morning, still fully clothed. I put on a pot of coffee and resumed my pacing about, trying to adapt to the loneliness, trying to accept that it may, in fact, be over. I look out the windows and the skies are grey and depressing. Droplets of rain trickle down the window in front me, appropriate weather to begin this new life of being alone. 

With Toshiba as my only company, I grab it and resume my writing. The words still flow with the same ease as the previous night. I receive a text from my wife, still not actually hearing her voice for two days. She is asking me if I'm ready to see the kids. I miss them terribly but still, I decline. They are only a reminder of a family that was. I need my alone time, I need to think. How can I fix this?

My mind begins dwell on how life would be without her. The financial repercussions bully their way to foremost thoughts of my mind. If we could barely make ends meet with the both of our incomes, how could I possibly survive with my measly ten dollar an hour income? What about the debt we have together? The cars? The loans? And what about the house and the contents within?

My mind shifts towards the kids. Those poor kids. How do I explain this to them? With my wife working nights, it has been established that I am to have custody of the kids so that they still get to see at least one of their parents everyday. If I am to be officially single, would I even want custody? That seems to be selfish thought, but I'm concerned with how I will react to being single and wonder if it's in the best interest for the kids to be with me.

I become restless with the amount of coffee in my system. I rise and pace yet again, the remnants of Christmas still lingering in the house. New toys and games litter the living room as they have yet to find a proper place.

As I wander around, mulling things over, I begin to feel that perhaps it is time to see the kids. I also contemplate breaking the news to my mother, who will not take the news very well. I am ashamed of letting my marriage come to this and telling her will be difficult. I am not one for talking, for I have difficulty expressing myself vocally. My voice is my weakness, my written words are my strength. How to tell her?

I purposely left out the details as to why this has come to be. But I will say this, neither of us is having an affair. At least I pray there isn't an affair going on. I don't believe that is the case. We both are to blame for this marital malfunction and any negative comments towards my wife is unacceptable. No one is to be taking sides, rather you should pray for us. A late Christmas miracle is needed and a positive start to a new year, with my wife by my side is all that I ask.

I do not know what is going to happen or when my next post will be. I may take a leave of absence from the blogosphere, or I may spend more time with you than ever before. Only time will tell. 

Until then, blog safely my friends.

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Want to guest post on Girl's Got Shine? I'd love it! Anything goes, related to dating and relationships - I just ask that you keep it friendly towards others. Email me if you've got something you want to share

Great expectations

It's funny how different dating is when you're older (and divorced) versus how it was before all that "life" changed you. When I was with X, I tried to be in charge. I made plans on our behalf, chose when we'd arrive, how we'd get there, and usually when we'd leave. Family events always trumped sports because...well, just because. Those priorities seemed obvious to me, and the fact that guys priorities were different was just proof that men need women in order to get through life.

Right.

Nowadays, I don't like being told what to do. Not to mention - I don't want to be in charge of anyone else. I've gotten so used to just being in charge of me, that I kind of like that mindset - and I don't want to give it up.

I realized the other day that I've invited Trooper to a lot of family events in the last couple of weeks. I told him I hope he doesn't feel dragged to anything, because I'd never want to do that. When I invite him to anything, it truly is a request, not an order. He's welcome, but not expected.

As a singleton, I've been to many events solo. At first, I thought I'd hate it; in fact, I avoided things like family parties, weddings, dinners - anything for which I once would have had a date, and now didn't. But eventually, I realized that learning to be a happy singleton was going to be the key to finding a happy relationship - so I sucked it up.

A party where you're literally the only single person is an interesting experience. Everyone should do it - seriously. Even if you're in a relationship, go somewhere without your other, where everyone else is with theirs. Stand back, on the outside and just take it in.

There's awkward silence, stares, flat-out-glares and looks to kill. There are the moments where she puts her hand on his elbow, hinting to shut up before he says something he shouldn't. Then there's the couple who are fighting before they even get in their car to go home.

That's always fun.

I've had those fights; they suck.

After the first party like that, when I came and left on my own schedule, talked to whoever I wanted, and left in peace - I vowed I'd never put myself (or anyone else) again. So far, I think I've been pretty good at sticking to that promise.

Sure, eventually something comes up where one half of the couple really doesn't want to go - and the other half needs the support. But you do that when you care about someone. I think the trick is knowing - and communicating - when someone is needed, and when they're wanted.

Those are the best expectations to set.

Superstitious date

Today is full of superstitions. Some people won't even go out on Friday the 13th - never mind schedule something important. Like a date.

I consider myself more particular than superstitious. I don't have a lucky top or bracelet that I always have to wear. But if I showed up to a date with a pair of earrings that wasn't quite right with my outfit, I'd convince myself that the whole thing was going to go wrong.

I also believe in jinxes. I don't like to get too ahead of myself, or get my hopes up, out of fear that I will give my good fortune a case of bad luck. I prefer to be cautiously optimistic, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

But there are plenty of superstitions when it comes to dating. People don't like to stray from certain lucky habits, or patterns, for fear that if they do - the date will surely fail.

- Pick your lucky place
- Wear your lucky shirt
-  Don't arrive too early or too late
- The method you use to confirm the day of
- Who orders first
- Who pays
- Don't set up a date for Friday the 13th

I would actually love to set up a date on a Friday the 13th - especially a first date. How cool would it be to tell that story when you're still together a year later?

"Yup - Friday the 13th is lucky for us!" Maybe you'd even get married on a Friday the 13th. Or Saturday the 14th.

I guess it's all a matter of how you look at things.

Every queen deserves her king

I remember once talking to a group of friends about older couples getting married. My friend who works in the wedding industry said she worked with a couple who was in their 70's, both widowed, and had decided to get married.

I like the idea that love is an ever-changing thing, that's different for everyone. It doesn't come packaged in a perfect box with a ribbon, and it doesn't always take on the schedule we expect. For some, the conventional timeline works; for others, things work out differently.

But they do work out.

This story, which I read over the weekend, is proof. Aretha Franklin - the Queen of Soul - is getting married, at age 69, to her "forever friend." How nice is that? Not only to have a "forever friend" - but to be lucky enough to marry him?

I can't think of anything more picture perfect.

Oh, and Ms. Franklin assures everyone that she is not pregnant. Just in case you were wondering.

Dating below your standards

In the spirit of sharing guest posts, another blogger who responded to my open invitation was Atiya Townes. She authors a blog about getting her life back together, called Remaking Me, where she says "The most difficult thing to change is myself."

I love it.

She blogged a couple weeks ago about dating below your standards. She asked if I'd share it with y'all - so I thought I would. Read it here.

I love her closing paragraph:

I'm not a professional when it comes to dating. Heck, I'm not even dating right now. I do know that when you're in a relationship with someone, it needs to be for the right reasons. The right one is not going to fit into any one category, old, ugly, smart, funny, brooding or eccentric. The ONE is going to be your perfect combination of all the qualities you like. It's going to be a partnership that surpasses all the other crap you've ever experienced.

What she said.

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Want to guest post on Girl's Got Shine? I'd love it! Anything goes, related to dating and relationships - I just ask that you keep it friendly towards others. Email me if you've got something you want to share.

Having a healthy attitude when using a dating site

Below is a post from Cara Michaels, a blogger for OnlineDatingSites.net. Cara's friends and family constantly seek her out for dating advice, and she has taken her knowledge and experience to the web. She responded to my open invitation for guest posts. 

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Many people visit dating sites for all the wrong reasons.  Maybe they’re lonely, or they have just ended a long-term relationship and find it hard to be single.  These are certainly not the greatest reasons to start using a dating site. If you are sincerely hoping to find a partner for the long-term from a dating site, there are plenty of success stories that show it can be done.  But it doesn’t take someone waving a magic wand to make it happen.  You have to be in the right mind space to be ready for online dating.  Then, and only then, will you be open and able to make the right type of connections that dating sites can offer.

We have all heard the adage that you can only find love when you love yourself first.  This happens to be absolutely true.  In order to attract a significant other into your life, you need to feel good about yourself.  If you don’t, why should anyone else?  If you’re feeling sad, betrayed, depressed, or any other negative emotion, why would someone new want to spend time with you?  You’re a bummer to be around.  Put your emotional life in order before you begin your prowl on the dating sites.  Once you have the energy and the optimistic attitude going for you, you’ll feel better about dating, and you will certainly yield more results that way.

Loneliness gets a bad rap, because let’s face it…being alone can be very painful.  But if you have just ended a long-term relationship, a certain amount of loneliness is to be expected.  After all you’re in a grieving period.  Why do you want to rush right into a new relationship with someone you don’t even know? That takes a tremendous amount of energy.  Do yourself a favor, and sit with the loneliness for awhile.  Gather together some of your best pals and start spending quality time with your friends.  If you’re lucky enough to have some good friends in your life, no one can make you feel better than they can.  You don’t have to be out there attempting to have some wild social life when you don’t feel like it.  Take time to heal before you put yourself back out into the dating world.

Once you’re feeling better about yourself, and your attitude toward the opposite sex is healthier, than you can start perusing some of the many dating sites out there.  It’s difficult to step back into that world once you’ve been out of it for awhile…so go slow! You don’t have to rush anything that doesn’t feel right to you.  The most important thing to remember is that dating is supposed to be fun.  If it starts to feel like a chore, than you’re definitely not ready.  

 

Chances are, because you've typed this in, you are pretty unhappy with your body, your look or your style. Here is a "celebrity tricks of the trade" style guide to get you looking like a goddess - there is one inside of every one of us, waiting to come out. This is the guide to becoming fit, sexy, slim, popular, stylish and an overall dazzling person. What are you waiting for? Keep reading!

Steps

Get fit. Try running, because if you enjoy running, it not only helps you get fit, but makes you sound cooler. You don't have to run miles, but you should run until you at least feel uncomfortable (not unbearable). Gradually, you will realize you can run way further a lot more comfortably. You can also do cycling or swimming as a main, regular or staple exercise. Once you have chosen your staple exercise, do this exercise every two days, as well as other less strenuous sports, such as tennis, volleyball, etc. Boys love physical girls, but never make yourself muscular; that is one step too far. Visit the gym sometimes. A change of environment is renewing, and boys love gym bunnies. A really good way to be fit and have fun is to dance. Even video dancing games (such asJust Dance) Will get you to burn calories and have fun doing it. Just don't push yourself to hard on any of these suggestions. Know your limit.

2

Eat healthy.

Eat healthy. Stop eating sugary foods, all crisps sweets and ice creams, as well as full fat dairy products. White carbs should not be eaten for the first three months of your program. Eat brown carbs (like whole grains and brown rice), nuts, fruits and vegetables, dried fruits, fresh salads, low fat dairy products and lean meat, fish and eggs. The good news is you can eat as much of those food as you like. If you just remember what you can and can't eat, it makes slimming down a lot easier. Treat yourself once in a while, but little; the last thing you'll want to do is slip up when you've come so far. You shouldn't need to take vitamin supplements if you eat like this. Stay away from carbonated drinks, even diet sodas are harmful with all of the aspartame in them. Also stay away from milkshakes, and if you need something sweet, get a smoothie. Drink tons of water, it is the best thing for your skin and you can get it almost anywhere.

3

Pick a style, and stick to it.

Pick a style, and stick to it. If you stay with in the ever changing fashion trend sets, you are a poser, and this is not a bad thing; it just means you follow the fashion crowd. If you are into rock music and dress trashy distressed and Taylor Momsen looking, you are a rocking girl. Here are a few ideas you can try: Surfer girl, emo, Parisian, boho, etc. You may want to follow a certain celebrity or singer's fashion. When it comes to shopping, shop for your size and shape. Make sure your hair and make up matches your style, and make sure you NEVER BUY DIRT CHEAP STUFF. Make sure your hair products and makeup are moderately priced, because otherwise they do more harm than good. Be confident and have faith in your looks. Be proud and daring with what you wear, and you'll turn heads.

4

Add caption

Be your own friend.

Be your own friend. Be happy, nice, and helpful. If you're asked to do something around the house or at school, smile and say, "I'd be happy to." If you need a hand, ask for one. Smile a lot; not all the time, but you want to appear happy. If ever something is lent to you, do what you needed it for and return it speedily, as this builds enormous amounts of trust. Be a flatterer, and if you're going to give a compliment, let it be genuine, and with a smile. Don't be friends with everyone, but be nice to everyone. If someone is mean to your face, take it on the chin. Once they've finished having a go, smile and say either, "whatever floats your boat, I couldn't agree less and I'd like it if you left now because I seriously think you'll regret sticking around." or "I'm sorry, I agree, I didn't mean to upset you, it was inconsiderate of me."

Tips

• If you are a tea or coffee drinker, use skimmed or semi-skimmed milk AND NO SUGAR.
  

If you are trying to skim the fat off your stomach (The part right above the pelvis, kinda below the belly-button?), EXERCISE!! That part gets fatty because of in-activity. Dieting will do absolutely nothing for that part. Be sure arrange a proper funeral.

 

Single horror movie

Single horror movie

Boo!

This whole weekend is about Halloween parties and fun. It's one of my favorite holidays, even though it is a little bit of a "couples" day. I will admit, I'm a little jealous of people who always have a date, can go somewhere fun and wear a really cool couples costume. Last year I went out with a several couples, for dinner and some bar-hopping. I seriously considered going as a fifth wheel - but scrapped the idea when I couldn't put it together in time.

The truth is, any holiday - even one that's purely fun - brings couples together, and then puts them out on display, for all us singleton's to observe. It can be a reminder of all the things that you don't have, especially if you're in that state of singlehood where you're looking for your other half.

Don't let it.

Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But single doesn't have to be a horror movie. In fact, let's start right there. Slasher films - the girl having sex at the beginning of the film is almost always the first to get axed. The single girl is smart enough not to go in the basement, or to answer the phone, or whatever. She's often the one who makes it all the way to the end of the movie.

And costumes. If you're single, you can wear whatever you want. You can be a sexy kitten, or a witch - or you can go as Batman if you want. You don't have to match anyone else while you're out.

Speaking of going out - you can go wherever you want. That fun bar with the band? Go ahead. That lame-o party at your ex-boyfriend's brother's house? You'll be able to skip that. Score!

You can buy whatever Halloween candy you want - and all the leftovers are yours. 'Nuff said.

Another advantage to being single on Halloween, is that scaring your date can make him fall in love with you. According to this post over at the How About We dating blog, there is actual science (seriously) that suggests that once we associate heart-pumpin', nervous-sweatin' excitement with someone - that association sticks.

So be careful who you scare this weekend. Happy haunting!

Single horror movie

Single horror movie

Boo!

This whole weekend is about Halloween parties and fun. It's one of my favorite holidays, even though it is a little bit of a "couples" day. I will admit, I'm a little jealous of people who always have a date, can go somewhere fun and wear a really cool couples costume. Last year I went out with a several couples, for dinner and some bar-hopping. I seriously considered going as a fifth wheel - but scrapped the idea when I couldn't put it together in time.

The truth is, any holiday - even one that's purely fun - brings couples together, and then puts them out on display, for all us singleton's to observe. It can be a reminder of all the things that you don't have, especially if you're in that state of singlehood where you're looking for your other half.

Don't let it.

Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But single doesn't have to be a horror movie. In fact, let's start right there. Slasher films - the girl having sex at the beginning of the film is almost always the first to get axed. The single girl is smart enough not to go in the basement, or to answer the phone, or whatever. She's often the one who makes it all the way to the end of the movie.

And costumes. If you're single, you can wear whatever you want. You can be a sexy kitten, or a witch - or you can go as Batman if you want. You don't have to match anyone else while you're out.

Speaking of going out - you can go wherever you want. That fun bar with the band? Go ahead. That lame-o party at your ex-boyfriend's brother's house? You'll be able to skip that. Score!

You can buy whatever Halloween candy you want - and all the leftovers are yours. 'Nuff said.

Another advantage to being single on Halloween, is that scaring your date can make him fall in love with you. According to this post over at the How About We dating blog, there is actual science (seriously) that suggests that once we associate heart-pumpin', nervous-sweatin' excitement with someone - that association sticks.

So be careful who you scare this weekend. Happy haunting!

Is it just me?

Is it just me?

After the "concert incident," for which Gardner apologized, we agreed to go on another date. Actually, my giving in had a lot to do with a friend's suggestion that try slowing things down and giving him a chance on a very casual basis. Good advice - if this were a story involving normal people.

So we agreed to a date this weekend. Thing was, I woke on Saturday feeling like absolute crap - sorry, there's just no other way to say it. Recovering from a cold, I really just needed to sleep. So I texted to ask if we could meet a little later, and suggested an alternative plan for our date.

Gardner came back with, "Why don't we do it another time? You need to take care of you."

Now, I didn't mind. In fact, I appreciated that he was being so understanding. I thanked him - and went back to sleep.

Later on, I was feeling better and decided I needed to get out of the house. On my way out, I sent him a message saying I was headed out for dinner, and asked if he'd like to meet me. Nothing. An hour went by - then two. By then I'd (obviously) eaten, and decided on a movie. So, when he texted me back four hours later, I didn't have much to say.

He offered the explanation that he'd left his phone home. Seemed odd to me, though I suppose not everyone would turn around and go home to retrieve their phone (not like I'd ever do that...). But I'll admit - I was a little annoyed.

See, it seemed to me that he probably had other plans come up, and that was why he was so quick to cancel our date. Other plans could be another date, hanging out with his friends, or just working out. It didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that he'd canceled, saying he thought I should "take care of me," when really, he was just looking for an out.

So I called him on it. His response was, "What was I supposed to do? You bagged on me!"

Wait. What? No. You did not just turn this back around on me.

So I reminded him that I hadn't been the one to "bag." I had simply asked him to move the date to later because I wasn't feeling well. He had been the one to cancel altogether - and seemed to have replaced me on his calendar pretty quickly.

I'll spare you the details, but the conversation deteriorated from there.

I know it makes no sense, but I felt like he was trying to turn the whole thing back on me - like he was trying to manipulate the conversation, so that I would take the blame.

I know that game. I'm an only child of divorce - I wrote that game. Guilt and blame are powerful weapons, when used right. Thing is - I'm also a divorcee - which means I've mastered the "It's not my fault, it's yours!" conversation from both ends.

He was totally out of his league.

But seriously - is it just me? Was he guilty, and looking to lay blame elsewhere? Did he want me to feel guilty? Or was I just looking for a fight; for a reason to get angry? What do you think?

Doesn't it figure?

Doesn't it figure?

It figures. I went on two first dates last week. The first was with this really nice guy - about whom I had a lot of doubts. I wasn't sure how much we would really have in common, and I was concerned we might not be a great fit. But I as enjoying the email exchange, and he suggested meeting for ice cream.

Ice cream. Who says no to ice cream?

I really liked him. We have similar jobs - in that, both are office-type jobs that aren't really what we love, but they pay the bills - and are about the same age. We're both divorced, after having been married a long time. He has a daughter from his marriage, and has primary custody. We both like to write - and I told him about a couple of my more public blogs.

So, we had a really nice conversation for about two hours. He paid our bill - and then shook my hand. Yeah.

Safe to assume he wasn't interested, but he had asked me to email him with links to my blogs, so I did. In that email, I also thanked him for the date and said I'd like to get together again, if he was interested. He responded the next morning, saying "I'm glad you had a good time....talk to you soon." And I haven't heard from him since.

The next night, I had a first date with this guy. Prior to our dinner conversation, I was really looking forward to this date. It seemed like we might have a lot in common, tons to talk about and be a really good match in terms of age, lifestyle, interests, etc.

While we did, as I mentioned - there were red flags.

Doesn't it figure? I end up liking the guy I wasn't jazzed about - but he doesn't like me. The guy I was jazzed to meet gives me doubts - but won't stop texting me.

Yep - sounds about right.

Was I just being a bitch?

I went on a first date with Gardner the other night. We met about a week ago online, chatted via email and text for a few days, and then decided to meet. He seemed very nice, and cool, and fun, and I was actually really excited about the date.

The day of - I was totally drained. I had a terrible day at work, with stress right up until I left (late). Not the best mood for a date, and I realized that going in. I didn't want to cancel, since it was so last minute.

He was on time, was wearing a collared shirt, dress pants and shoes, and he greeted me with a hug. He pulled out chairs and opened doors for me. He picked up the check, without hesitation. He walked me to my car. He didn't try to "steal" a kiss, though he did affectionately put his arm on my back on the way to the car, hug me goodbye and give me a "friendly" kiss; - more cheek than lip, so not too presumptuous.

We had a great conversation, though I have to say, he seemed way more interested in hearing about me than sharing about himself. He asked about my ex, and I was honest. When I asked about his, he was vague, and didn't really offer a lot of detail, either in what happened, or how he felt about it. I told him what I do for a living, and when I asked about his work - more vague answers. He said he's a landscaper (hence his nickname) and works for himself. But does that mean he's actually unemployed, and just does this to earn cash - or does he have a bona fide business? I don't know - because he was vague.

Should that matter? I'm not sure. I also didn't like his teeth (which is really, really bitchy of me) and I found myself preferring the longer hair in his pictures than the shorter do his sporting now. Still, I found him attractive, and I'll admit - I like how much he compliments me and seems to like me. I find it attractive that he is willing to say - even as we just met - that he wants a second date, and he really likes me. That takes guts - and that's attractive.

But I still have these red flags. He told me he just took a test to be an aide at a state run facility for developmentally disabled. But he (vaguely) mentioned that he used to work for a phone company, and for an insurance company - and the landscaping thing. So is he one of those guys who goes from job to job? I have little patience for that - I like stability, and consistency. To me, it's a sign of maturity.

I know I haven't been in the best mindset for meeting people in a while - and I'm afraid that has me looking for reasons to shut people out. Add to that the fact that I came into the date from a bad work day, and I figured I wasn't giving this guy a fair shot. He did all the things that I've said I want a date to do - without prompting. He was just a nice guy - cute, funny, nice.

That warrants a second date, right?

Taking my ex on a date

They (and by "they," I mean dating blogs, experts and other advice-givers) say that talking about an ex on a first date is a no-no. I do my best to listen to those who are more experienced, and generally better at dating, than I. But - I have to say....

...I can't seem to avoid the "ex" conversation.

I'm not sure why. I don't set out to have the conversation. I take (what I think are) the proper precautions. If I'm talking about something I did while with an ex, I change the "we" to an "I" and share my experience. I try to stick to general, getting-to-know-you topics - funny childhood stories, family, favorite foods, work, that sort of thing.

In fact - if the ex comes up, a lot of times, it's my date that brings it up. Especially if we meet online. He'll ask, "So how long have you been on the site?" or "How did you get started on the site?" at which point I might mention when I got divorced - and there we go.

Before you know it, I often find myself getting (or giving) dating advice. To a potential date.

Which would be great - if I were applying for a job, or just looking to be friends. And sometimes, I think that's how I've managed to keep some of the friends that I have.

But it's not useful when I might like another date.

It's like I'm taking my ex on the date - in which case, I think he should be stuck with the bill.

But, how do you know it's serious?

Okay - clearly I'm not an expert on this topic. If you've read previous posts, you know that I was in a relationship I believed to be serious - room for my stuff in his bathroom, met the parents, met the friends, etc. - and it wasn't.

But in my defense - when people say these are the signs that a relationship is getting serious - what's a girl supposed to think?

The moral of this story, I think, is that there are no rules in dating - and you should always just be very clear in your communication. Don't assume that just because you start spending Fridays in, that you are getting  serious. There's no formula, no one set of rules that applies to every couple.

Just two people, finding their way to each other, at the right time and right place.

Still - never, ever, be afraid to argue.

Can you really date online?

Ever wonder about relationships that start online, at a long distance, and flourish? What about relationships that go from physically close to long-distance, and need the online world to help stay connected?

How do they start? What keeps them together?

What about a relationship that happens completely online? I write about that at Singles Warehouse today.

What's perfect for you?

My friend shared this story the other day about a man who spends a year planning his girlfriend's dream wedding - and then surprises her with the whole thing the day of his proposal.

Insanely romantic, right? I still think he might be an alien.

Nevertheless, hopeless hopeful romantics (including me) blew up the interwebz with thoughts about how wonderful this is, how romantic and perfect the guy is - and just how lucky can one girl get, anyway?

People who know me - I mean really know me - would laugh if I mentioned this story, and how lucky this girl is. Why laugh? They would say it's funny that I would think this was romantic and wonderful, when, if someone did that for me - I'd hate it.

And you know what? They'd be right.

Not that I'd hate the gesture. It seems like his heart was in the right place, and he's totally doing something just to make his love happy. That's sincere, and it's wonderful.

What I'd hate would be the fact that something I said a year ago was put into action - even if I'd since changed my mind (which happens a lot). I'd also not be thrilled that I didn't know I was getting married - no chance to have a pedicure, manicure, hair appointment, waxing appointment, makeup done, or dress fitting. I'd be upset that I didn't have the chance to get "wedding fit" or plan all the little details that I love so much.

Would I be mad at my new husband? No. Would I refuse the wedding? Of course not. I'd love and appreciate someone doing something that nice for me - and I'd be grateful for anyone wanting me to be that happy.

But for those of you thinking, "Gee, no one would ever do that for me," you should ask yourself:

Would you really want him to do that? Or is your perfect love out there, right now, doing something completely different?

I think OK Cupid hates me

My new thing is when I get a "quiver match" (Suggested matches from OK Cupid. Get it, it's the quiver from cupid's arrow? Oh, nevermind....) I take a look, and if they look interesting, I email them. I say new because I used to just ignore them, and look on my own when I was darn good and ready.

So, the other day, I signed in and found a new group of three. The first? This guy - because apparently, he created a new profile and cupid thought he was being helpful.

Next....

Was a guy whose profile says he earns less than $20,000/year, his education and job are blank, and his interests include bowling, surfing the net and "i also like to wear diapers 24/7 and have girl/female change mydiaper!!!"

Just because Cupid wears a diaper....

I was going to do a "best of the worst" entry on this, but I was afraid to read further in his profile. I did scan down to the bottom to read the last sentence about who should message him. My eye started to twitch, so I moved on - right after I hid his profile.


Now listen - I'm not judging. Whatever floats your boat; just because I'm not into something doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. But it seems to me like a fetish that can only be caused by some sort of stunted emotional development can't be good for you as an adult - or your relationships.

But what do I know, anyway?


What's the worst online dating profile you've come across? 

The (dating) standings

Yesterday, over at Singles Warehouse, I wrote about a guy who approached me in a less-than-friendly way. He was gruff, and reprimanding - and just a little bit desperate.

Not very appealing.

Know what else is less than appealing? A guy who approaches you with a challenge, and then showing that the only reason he contacted you in the first place was to argue - or brag about his baseball team.

Part of my profile claims I can match any outfit to its shoes. (This, of course, is true.) A guy sent me an email last week that said:

So you can always match the outfit with the shoes, eh? Okay, smarty pants, what shoes would go best with a light blue checkered dress over a white blouse top--old canvas tie-ons, rusty tin boots, lion-leather loafers (with claw treads), or ruby slippers? 

Go Sox! >:D

I thought he was just being playful, so I replied that none of those shoes go with the outfit described and that was actually something I didn't like about the movie. Then I said all that glitter is such a mess, and jokingly asked him if the Red Sox are still playing. Then I smiled - to show I was being playful.

His response?

Glitter? They're RUBY! And, since the only way most women would be caught in that outfit is dead, then they match since, as you pointed out, they're to die for. 

Yes, the Sox are still playing...2.5 games ahead of NY, it seems, and because they're red, they match the slippers.

At this point, I figured he wasn't playfully joking. Which seemed silly to me. I mean, if he's not interested, that's very understandable. But who would purposefully contact someone - on a dating site - that they're not interested in dating, just to trash talk their favorite baseball team?

Seems....childish. Desperate. Honestly - (more than) a little pathetic. It even seems a little counterproductive. Why alienate someone with whom you could have a friendship? Someone who, if given the chance, might  be someone you could chat with, get advice from or share baseball games? Maybe even an ally - you never know who she might know (such as, someone you want to date in the future)?

It just seems to me that you never want to risk talking trash until you have all the information, and know all the players.

After all - standings change all the time.

Don't write me, I'll write you

Ever wonder why some people think just because you're online, it's cute to approach someone in a nasty, snarky way?

Or maybe that's just how they behave in real life?

Either way - it doesn't work. Read why in my guest post over at the Singles Warehouse dating blog, Warehouse Life.

A couple of things....

Did you see my guest post at Singles Warehouse last week? If not, check it out here. Keep an eye out for regular guest-spots over there - my next one should post tomorrow.

I'm also opening up the Girl's Got Shine site for anyone who wants to write about dating adventures (the good, and the not-so-good variety). If you don't have a blog, but have something you want to get off your chest. Or you do have a blog, but don't want people to know it's you doing the talking. Or you just go on so many bad dates, you can't possibly fit it all at one url - the floor is yours. Send me an email with your post, title and any pictures you want included.

I met a very nice guy. He almost seems normal. He's a bit younger than me, and has primary custody of an almost-2-year-old, which might make dating a little tough. I guess time will tell.

Remember this guy? On our date, he told me I was charismatic, and beautiful, and he couldn't wait to see me again. He has since cancelled two dates, and the other night, he immediately signed off IM the minute I signed in (and I hadn't even opened up a chat with him).

Seriously?  

Which is bigger?

OK Cupid has a feature on their website that allows users to answer questions as part of the matching process. Your answers are matched against other users answers to gauge compatibility, and extra weight is given to those questions you indicate have some importance to you.

I assume there's some science and a little math involved. I'm not sure. There might be some info about it here if you're interested.

Some of the questions are personality related; some are related to political or social issues; some are, naturally, related to sex and relationships. Other questions seem to be a test of intelligence; number series, spelling questions...that sort of thing.

Recently, I stumbled on the question: Which is bigger, the sun or the earth.

Do you know?

Here's the thing - it doesn't really matter to me if a guy knows, or even cares. But his response tells me a lot.

The answer is, the sun is larger than the earth. Now, I was horrible in earth science and astronomy, and I never pretend to be any sort of academic. But I am smart enough to know the basics - like the fact that the earth revolves around the sun. Any fan of Jimmy Buffett knows that, for cryin' out loud.

If sun's gravitational pull is strong enough to keep the earth in line, doesn't it make sense the sun is the larger of the two? I thought so.

So, if a guy answers earth, it reveals several things:

• He may not have made it to the eighth grade
• He may be very self-centered and think everything revolves around him
• He lacks anything resembling common sense
• He haa no idea how google works

....so let me google that for him.

It's an online dating site question, not a proctored bar exam. If you're not sure, look it up - or at least just skip the question. Then, at least, I am free to assume you just didn't like the question - and I just might talk to you long enough that you can keep me convinced.

"It's better to remain silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln

Awful dates

I've been on some really bad dates. There was the guy from a couple of weeks ago who wanted to split the check - after suggesting dinner. He wasn't actually the first guy to do that to me - I went on one date with a guy pre-Big who did the same thing. At least this most recent guy was interesting - the first guy nearly put me to sleep in my pasta.

Let's not forget the guy who left the theater three times - three times! - to take a phone call. I also once went out with a guy who spent the entirety of our date trying to convince me why Alex Rodriguez is better than Derek Jeter.

He nearly didn't make it out alive.

But I do have to say, as bad as some of my dates have been, no one has suggested a venue that was a problem. Cliché or boring? Yes. But not a problem. Of course, I also take some ownership of my dates, too. If I get the feeling that a guy is going to suggest something I won't enjoy, and he's open to suggestions - I'll make one. I think everyone should do that - you can't bitch that you didn't like a date, if you don't put any effort into it yourself.

So, I'm not entirely sure I agree with this article from Match.com, which talks about six dates men should never suggest.

Sports-themed places
Theme parks
Paintball
Chain restaurants
Gross-out comedies
To meet your mother.

I sincerely hope that last one is a joke - on a first date, I'd run away screaming. There'd be a GGS shaped hole in the wall.

But the others - I guess it's a good rule of thumb to avoid those dates in general, if you don't really know someone. I mean, if your date has a fear of heights, a theme park might not be the best choice. But if you've met someone who is into sports, or you you've been talking non-stop about seeing that movie, I guess I don't see what's wrong with these dates? With one caveat - I wouldn't recommend a theme park as a first date. That's a major time commitment, better left for when you know you want to spend that kind of time with the other person.

I think dates should be personal. You shouldn't go to the same place with every date - unless it's a very generic place you take first dates just to chat it up a bit. After that - and if you really want to make an impression - suggestions should be more catered to the her/him specifically.

Anything you'd add to the list? A must-avoid date spot?

all about girls for dating

Happy Anniversary!

Quote: The Single Woman
Photo

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my breakup with Big. One year ago, he told me that he didn't want our relationship to move any further. One year ago, my heart was so broken, I honestly didn't think I would ever be the same.

Wanna know a secret? I was right - I'm not the same, and I expect I never will be. But not in the way I thought.

Lots of lousy first dates, a crush, a couple of near-relationships, a love cleanse and - most importantly - a year of reinventing myself and my friendships has taught me who I really am. I've grown, changed and learned an awful lot about life. I'm truly happy, with myself and my life. I know how to recognize a good, happy relationship - something I learned from being in a fabulous relationship with myself.

When I remember how I felt that night in my car - and realize how happy I am one year later - one word comes to mind: Hope.

Quote: Unknown
Photo

The thing about hope is that it is so much easier to lose than it is to build. With anything new, we take so long to trust - to allow ourselves to feel hopeful and happy. But crushing hope? That can happen in an instant. With the *snap* of a finger - we can go from happy to completely broken. What's even worse, each time we lose hope, it takes longer and longer before we'll allow ourselves to feel it again.

That's the thing about life - you never know what's coming next. The best moments are often born from the worst. It is so hard to believe it when you're in that moment. But I think that's the greatest gift of any heartbreak; once you've survived, you know you can. The next time (and there will be a next time, in one way or another) you'll be ready to jump back into hope that much quicker.

It doesn't matter if your heart was broken by love, by friendship, by the loss of a loved one or the loss of your perfect job - the most important thing you can learn is to never, ever give up hope.

Confused

I'm confused. Hence - I'm having a little trouble writing a lot this week. Don't worry, it'll all be sorted out soon enough, and I'll have more dating horror stories for you soon enough.

In the meantime - enjoy this from urlybits.com:

Good in bed

Here's a little something new....

A little while back, I was approached by Eric Leech, a Featured Writer at datingwebsites.org, a site that offers information, advice and reviews of online dating sites. He asked about doing a guest post for Girl's Got Shine. 

Thinking it sounded like fun, and something a little different, I accepted his generous offer. After all - GGS is pretty skewed towards a woman's perspective. So, Eric is here today to tell us how a guy can tell if a woman will be good in bed. 

Ladies....get out your notebooks. 

**************************************

Girls, you know you've thought about it before. You've stared at the size of a man's hands during a first date. You've watched a guy throw down his groove on the dance floor, and wondered about his groove between the sheets. You've stared at cute guys on dating websites, imagining how cute they'd be in their birthday suit, and you may have even ogled a guy in aisle seven at the grocery store, wondering if he'd be as good at handling the canned peas, as handling your own... well, you get my point. It should come as no surprise that guys size women up in much the same way. Let's look at the top five things a guy looks for, to know if a woman will be a worthy adversary while engaging in the horizontal mambo.

1. Her Kiss- Good kissing is just as important to men as it is for you ladies. The biggest difference here is that we are looking forward to seeing exactly how adventurous the girl will get. If she uses only a tiny bit of her tongue and wraps the session up quickly, he'll assume the worst. However, if she is slobbery, sensual, ever-lasting, and vacuum intense, he'll remember to bring the rubber sheets, salad tongs, and value-sized canister of Crisco oil to the next date (well, not really, but he'll be pretty excited).

2. The Hips- Men love to watch a woman's hips sway back and forth as she walks. Studies on attraction suggest that men prefer women who overly accentuates their hips as they walk. In fact, even without seeing her figure, face, or style of clothing, a man will become interested, just by noticing her motion out of the corner of his eye. The way a woman uses her hips, says how much control she has over her lower extremities. If she can shake it in the vertical, he knows she can shake it in the horizontal, too.

3. Physical Touch-  A guy can tell a lot from a first date, just by how she touches him. A woman who is comfortable with touching him in public, will probably be even more comfortable once they get behind closed doors. A gentle caressing kitten in the restaurant, could be a ferocious man eating tiger in the bedroom. However, a clammy oyster on the dance floor, will probably be just as dank and cold on the sofa afterward (that's his theory, anyway).

4. Vocal Expression-  Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in the middle of the restaurant with Billy Crystal? I'm not here to discuss the fact of whether or not a guy can tell the difference between a real orgasm or not. What matters most, is Ryan would have been the sexiest woman in the restaurant to any man. Studies suggest men are drawn to sensual sounds of a woman's voice when she laughs, hums, or sighs. Brief vocal encounters give a man a hint of what a woman might sound like in bed. A woman can increase the likelihood of a man's enjoyment in sex, simply by her vocal enthusiasm. Lots of intense screams, means he'll finish like a minute-man. Quietly counting sprinkles on the ceiling, means he'll be shopping for Viagra by the next morning. There is nothing like a woman who knows how to ‘get into’ whatever it is she’s doing.

5. Sexy Talk- Contrary to popular belief, men do not want sex to be the only conversation at hand, but we do like a little prelude on the subject. Talking about it, lets him know she might be up for it if the occasion calls. Men like women who might be a little too shy and coy to bring up the topic. However, when push comes to shove, she can dish out the details with the same enthusiasm and color of a drunk, virgin sailor.

So - that's a guy's perspective. Comments? Ladies - how can you tell if a guy will be good in bed? 

Responsible dating

We all know how to protect ourselves (and others) when dating. We know how to prevent diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and cyber-stalking. Ladies, we even know how to keep ourselves out of dangerous situations until we get to know someone.

But what about our feelings - and the feelings of others? Do we protect those? Can we? Dating is all about putting yourself out there, risking that you'll get hurt. Heartbreak and disappointment are always a possibility - and if there's no risk, there's no potential for something good, either. 

I told Gardner that I think my experience with Big has made me a more responsible dater. I'm sensitive (maybe too sensitive) to others feelings, and hyper-aware if I'm doing something that might hurt someone else. 

I'm talking a little bit about that over on Singles Warehouse. Read today's post over here.

I'm too picky

I know it's true; I want too much. I've spent enough time on my own to have developed impossible standards for what I require before giving up my single status.

Sorry, cupid.

When I told my Gardner story to one friend, her advice was to talk to him; tell him exactly what I wanted him to do, exactly what I needed and expected - and then let him decide if it's something he can handle. It's logical - as she pointed out, he can't read my mind.

Call me difficult, call me complicated, call me high maintenance - call me a bitch. Say I'm making excuses. Say or think whatever you like - the truth is, I don't want to have to tell someone what I want and then wait to see if it's something he can "handle." I want us to just naturally click.

I know - it's probably unfair, and maybe unreasonable, and a little too much. So was the Barbie Dreamhouse - but that didn't stop me from asking Santa.

I've done the whole "here's what I want" thing with a guy before. Know what? He went along with it. For about fourteen years. Then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere - he stopped. Suddenly, he wasn't willing to "handle" me anymore - and he left. So I know that no matter how much compromising you both do, it can still fall apart.

I know that relationships are about compromise. Of course I realize that I'll have to give some. I won't always get my own way, and it won't always be about me. But shouldn't the other person give a little, too? Shouldn't he want to give a little, to make room for "us" in his life?

If I find a guy with whom I just fit; a guy who says and does all the right things, and for whom I say and do the same - then there won't be any of this wondering, compromising or "training." Neither of us will have to "handle" the other - because it just works.

That's what I want. Maybe I'm too picky - but that's never stopped me before.
  

Mixed signals - Part II

....

I asked for a "break" (which always makes me think of Ross and Rachel). I just wanted to sort through the confusion, and see how I felt. Was I just hanging onto this because there were some things I really liked? Was I just happy to have found a relationship, someone with whom I could share some time and a few smiles?

Honestly - was I more interested in the boost he offered my ego than I was him?

I'm not sure. Those things are all true - and they're all good things. Gardner makes me feel special; he makes me feel beautiful. As a wise friend said to me, "Every woman needs a man to make her feel like a goddess now and then, right?" Abso-freaking-lutely.

I do really like him, too. He makes me smile, and he's fun. He's goofy, and I laugh when I'm with him. He doesn't just do the normal dinner-and-movie date -  he's unique, and has a lot to offer. I'm attracted to him, and the chemistry was pretty good.

But I wasn't sure. Doubts are normal when something is new, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that if this was truly right, I'd have fewer doubts. I'd be more positive, and less negative.

I just think right would have felt different.

So I told him - everything. How I felt, and why. Of course, he told me some things that explained away some of my doubts - and honestly, I'm not 100% sure I made the right decision. I expect he'll stay in my life - and I wouldn't be surprised if we gave this another shot, but as of right now, we are no longer dating.

In the end, the only thing I'm really sure of is that I wasn't sure enough to let it go any further.

Mixed signals

I really hate mixed signals. I prefer if everything can just be out in the open. I'd rather hear the most awful, hurtful truth than have to weed through lies.

Most people don't believe that. They believe that I say I want the truth, but what I really want is for the truth to be what I want to hear. 

Isn't that always the case, though? I mean, we all want what we want, and most of us have a pretty clear picture of how, when, where we want it to happen. Some people seriously can't handle the truth - and some have had to deal with enough hard truth to know it's better than any lie. 

I felt like I was getting mixed signals from Gardner. First he had no expectations and it felt like he was rejecting me. Two weeks later, he's dropping the L Word. In between, he's hanging with friends and making it clear that I'll never be number one in his life, but saying he really likes me - all while embracing bachelorhood. All kinds of mixed signals and doubts.

The doubts are what got to me the most. I started to feel like I already knew that this couldn't go any further than where it was right now. Then I thought, if that's how I felt, I should end it now, rather than risk leading him on.

The advice I got was that it was too soon to know for sure, and that I should talk to him. That it can just be a fun, casual thing, especially when it's so new. That it's okay to not know this soon in; usually, no one would.

I agree - this soon into a relationship, it's totally acceptable to not know, and to have fun while you see where it might go. But I know. I know it isn't going any further than where it is right now - but he doesn't feel that way. I could stick around, and hope that my feelings caught up to his - but what if they didn't? I was gambling with feelings; with my own, fine - but not with someone else's.

Sounded all too familiar to me. Now the question was - what should I do?

To be continued....

The L word

The "L word" got dropped. But let me start at the beginning....

After this exchange, Gardner and I had a conversation. Try to imagine a conversation between a man and a woman about what they wanted and expected from a relationship; a conversation where they were both honest and upfront; one where the guy asked the woman how she was feeling, and said he was happy they were talking.

And you thought this wasn't a science fiction blog...

Anywho - the conversation went really well, and it seemed like we were both on the same page. So, we kept seeing each other, and over the course of several more dates, started to get really comfortable with one another.

Then it happened. Late one night, he said he hoped it would be OK if he said he loved me.

No. Nope. It's not OK. It just isn't at all.

Why? Because love puts so much pressure on what I thought would just be a nice, casual, fun relationship. It rushes things, instead of letting them develop naturally. It places expectations where they don't belong.

I was telling a friend of mine what Gardner said, and he told me that he hates being the first to say the word. So much so that now, he says, "I think I'm falling for you."

I like that. "I love you" sounds like minivans and balancing the checkbook and arguing over where to eat Thanksgiving dinner. "I'm falling for you" sounds like a walk in the park, romantic meals and flowers for no reason.

In case you're wondering, I didn't respond to Gardner. I let it slide, hoping that maybe he was just caught up in the moment, and he'd forget about it.

How sophisticated and mature of me, no?  

Single piece of advice

You can find dating advice just about anywhere. Google it - you'll find thousands of results. There are dating blogs (*ahem*), dating sites, and books that offer free advice. You can also seek counseling, pay for a dating service - or turn to a counselor.

More often, when we need dating advice, we turn to the same place we turn for other advice - our friends, and family. We ask those closest to us for help with such a personal, intimate question.

But just because someone knows you well, doesn't mean he can always give you good advice. No matter how well you know a person - if you've never been in the situation, you may not be the best qualified to give advice on how to handle. 

That's what I'm talking about at Singles Warehouse today. Check the post out here.

What about you? Where do you turn when you need dating advice?

The truth is....

I learned a lot from Big. Probably the most important lesson was - how not to treat people.

I don't mean to sound like Big's not a great guy - he is. We still talk sometimes, and get along fine. He's a good guy, and was good to me in a lot of ways. But after the way we broke up, I knew I'd never want to lead anyone on - even by mistake - and risk hurting someone else the way I was hurt.

When I first met Gardner, I had some doubts. But, I liked him; he was sweet and a wonderful date, so I decided to give it another chance. We had a fabulous second date, so, things kept going.

But I still have these doubts in the back of my mind. He seems to be stuck in the early-thirties bachelor stage. While I don't expect things to be serious now, I do want something that can grow. I get the feeling that what I'm getting from Gardner now is the most I'll ever be able to expect from him. It's enough now - but it wouldn't be enough long-term.

He's also at a stage in life where he moves from job to job - like a kid in college, looking for something fun, that doesn't interfere with his party schedule. That's not me, and it's not something I want in my life. There's no security or stability. I know it works for some, and that's great - but it's not me.

One of the biggest worries I had when we first got to chatting was that Gardner's life is so full of his friends that he wouldn't make room for me. The longer we know each other - the more true that seems. He has time for me during the week, when his friends are all with their wives/girlfriends. But he puts me on notice that he is not available on the weekends, when his friends need something or have time for him. Fine, if we're casual - but I don't see it changing, and I wouldn't be okay with that long term.

The thing is, I neither want, nor expect, anyone to change for me. That never works. So, if this is the relationship he's looking for - I think we'd both be better off if he got the chance to find that relationship with someone of a like mind. That someone isn't me.

The truth is, I want more.

The truth is....if he was really the right guy, I wouldn't be having all these doubts.  

When do I tell?

I didn't communicate well with Big. I won't even bother blaming that on him, either. The truth is - I just wasn't good at verbalizing what I was thinking and feeling where he was concerned. I was always worried I would make him angry, or give him an excuse to end things. 

I've obviously grown a bit since then, and with Gardner, I am enjoying what is (so far) a much more open, honest and upfront relationship. It's different, it's exciting, and it feels right. 

I don't have a lot of secrets. I don't have any baggage or drama from past relationships; no health concerns; no kids or criminal charges that I "forgot" to mention. No bankruptcies, no bench warrants, no divorces that aren't finalized. This time, I don't even have any other guys that I'm seeing that I need to keep secret.

Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Except...

The blog? I don't announce to the world that I am the author over here. If I did, it would make my semi-anonymity a little silly. It hasn't been an issue, since I haven't dated anyone long enough, or seriously enough, to have to tell. 

Gardner is something a little more...serious. I don't necessarily feel like it's so serious that I owe him an explanation right now - but I feel like it could get to a point where I'd have to fess up. Thing is, if I don't do that now, at what point will it feel like a betrayal that I didn't tell him sooner?

I shoulda stuck with cats. 

Timing is everything

I promised to tell you more about a "talk" Gardner and I had about our relationship. I always keep my promises. Please note: You may chuckle at this story. Or gasp. Or do both at the same time, and start coughing uncontrollably. You've been warned.


Several dates in (okay, three - don't judge) Gardner asked me to his house where he promised me a home-cooked meal. I have to say - he's, like, the sweetest guy. Ever. Dinner was waiting for me, the dining table was set, and he'd made sure to get my favorite drink.

One thing led to another....and since this blog isn't specifically about my sex life, I'll let you fill in that blank. But it's important to remember that what happened next happened right after the blank.

Laying there talking, Gardner said to me, "As much as I like you, I don't have any expectations...." He went on to say a few other things that may, or may have not, clarified what he was talking about, but I didn't hear them. Because my brain was fixated on what sounded like a rejection.

Immediately after the first blank. In fact, it was barely over. It was more like a blan. 

I did my best to remain calm. I thought, actually, I was doing pretty well. I patted his arm and told him I was going to get going - not in a mean or angry way, it was just time for me to head home. But he realized I was upset and started apologizing - profusely. I told him I wasn't angry, grabbed my things and went to open the door.

The doorknob came off in my hand, trapping me in the room with him.

The doorknob came off in my hand.


I know, you're laughing. It's fine. I can wait.


....So I'm standing there, belongings in one hand, doorknob in the other. He's behind me apologizing, and I'm fighting every urge in my body to hurl the hardware at his head. I nearly did - but I realized that I needed the doorknob to get out of the room.

I asked him nicely to fix the door so I could get out. He started to - then stopped, to keep apologizing. I asked a second time - less nicely. He fixed the door, and I made my exit.

Like I said the other day, it's not only important to know what to say when you want to talk about your relationship - it's also important when you say it.

The lesson here? Timing is everything. And always make sure doors are in proper working order. 

Let's talk

I told you yesterday that I've already had a "talk" with a new guy. Too soon? Technically, it feels that way - though I'm so comfortable talking to him, it sorta didn't feel that way. Confused? Yeah, me too.

Anyway, it got me thinking - is there a timeframe for talking about the relationship? Open, honest, productive communication is uncharted territory for me, so I really have no idea. So, we're talking about it today over at Singles Warehouse.

Check it out here. 

When you least expect it

Remember Gardner? Well, after our second date, things started to fall into place. We even had a little "talk" (more on that later), and pretty put everything out there. What we want, expect, what we're looking for, etc.
He even - brace yourself- asked me how I felt and said he was glad we were talking. I know. I nearly fell out of my chair.
The thing is - I wasn't looking for this. I had honestly made peace with - even found myself enjoying - my singleness. I had no intentions of meeting someone I would find myself liking; someone who I can talk to and who makes me smile. Someone who makes me feel special and amazing - and who annoys me just enough.
I wasn't looking for him. He showed up when I least expected him.
Crap.

Online dating profile help - Part Two

Continued from here....


My advice, for what it was worth, was that maybe this particular site (a paid site) was not for him. Even though the free sites have far more people not seriously looking - they still have far more people. No matter how much science is behind the matches, a paid site is still limited to the pool of people who use their service. If the site is too expensive - it can be prohibitive.

The dating pool on a free site is much larger - and therefore your chances of meeting someone are increased. It's simple math.

He admitted that made some sense, and he did end up creating a profile on a free site, just to see what might happen. That presented another question - should he "dumb down" his profile? Was he just scaring women away?

That's not the first time someone has asked me that question. And I gave him the same answer I gave the first person.

If you're a smart, successful, passionate, funny, attractive, bright and interesting person - why on earth would you let your profile show any less? Of course, you don't want to give all the details away. Don't tell your life story - you need something to talk about. But if you have a truly dynamic personality - show it! If you have really cool pictures of yourself in unique places - post them! If nothing else, it's a conversation starter.

Besides, I said - if a woman is intimidated by his profile, is she really the woman for him? Maybe don't look at is as scaring away, but rather weeding out.

He agreed, and though he may have made a couple of slight changes, I'm told his profile remained pretty much the same as the first one I reviewed.

He's found a lot of colorful people on the new site - and one with some potential.

I guess sometimes, the best things in life really are free. 

Online dating profile help

I've had a lot of cool things happen to me since I started writing this blog. But this takes the cake.

A few weeks back, I got an email from a guy who I'd never met. He'd been on a dating site for some time, without success. After finding, and reading, my blog, he was wondering if maybe I could help him. He asked if I'd be willing to critique his dating profile.

First, I have to say - I give this guy major credit. Most of the men I find online don't even want to take the time to proofread their own profile, let alone seek out and approach a perfect stranger for help. As far as I was concerned, this guy was already light-years ahead of his competition, and I told him as much.

Intrigued, I agreed to look at his profile, and offer any help I could.

At first glance - and second, and third - I felt bad. In a word, his profile is fabulous. It's articulate, well-written, and gives just enough detail. He's a smart, successful man in his late twenties, with a solid education, career and background. (As far as I could tell, his only real flaw was that he lives nowhere near upstate NY. :shrugs:)

I wrote him back and apologized, saying I wished I could be more help. Then I asked him a couple of questions:

Do you have more dates when you do the approaching, or when approached?
Which do you do more often - contact others, or wait for them to make the first move?

He's that guy - the one for whom most every girl is searching. Smart, successful, nice, charming and handsome.

It would take an incredibly confident woman to approach him - or even to respond to his emails. I suspected that he was not confident enough in himself to always approach the women he liked - and I suspected a lot of women would not have the courage to approach him.

While my new friend said he thought he'd pretty much balanced the number of times he contacted first, versus when a woman contacted him, he did say he had more luck on dates with the woman who emailed him first. Which made sense to me - they'd be the more confident, and therefore probably had more in common with him.

But that didn't change the fact that he'd had limited success on this dating site, and what he really, truly wants is to find love.

So what's a guy to do?

To be continued....

The scariest word

A while back, when I was doing a love cleanse, a friend warned me to be careful, and not to become too independent, and shut people out. At the time, I thought that would never happen. I thought I was too much in love with the idea of being in love to ever shut anyone out.

Turns out - not so much.

It didn't take long. I did the love cleanse (no dating, flirting, sex, etc.) for a thirty days. Then I continued it for another thirty - unofficially. I started dating a little while later, but nothing serious, so my independence was never challenged.

Until the other day.

I went on a second date - my first in a while - with a guy I really like. We took a lake cruise in a resort town about an hour away from my home. I drove, and on the way back, he was responding to a few text messages he'd gotten while we were on the boat. One was from a friend inviting him to a cookout. He turned to me and said,

We were invited to my friend's house, but I declined.

We. We?!

It's been over a year since anyone referred to me as part of a we. I thought I longed to hear it again. I thought my heart would skip a beat, and I wouldn't be able to stop smiling. But the truth is, when he said we - I didn't feel any of that.

What I felt was more like - terror.

Not because I don't like him - I do. I think the terror is because I've grown attached to being alone. I like not having to think of anyone else when I make plans. I like knowing that I can handle any situation, or go do anything I want, without needing someone else. I'm not afraid to ask for help - but I don't need a guy. I can turn to friends and family when I need something.

I used to be so afraid to let anything interfere with my relationship with a guy, that I'd spend any time with him that I could. Now, it seems, I'm pushing guys away because I'm afraid they'll interfere with my relationship with me.

I'm not sure which is scarier.  

It's not you, it's me

So, I emailed this guy. He came up in my quiver matches, so I figured I'd take a chance.

A few hours later, I get a response:

Thanks for writing, but I don't really think you're my type.

I've said before, I'm not really a fan of the "polite response." I know some people think it's the right thing to do when someone takes the time to write you on a dating site. But I view that initial email as the equivalent of a slight nod, or smile or wink at a bar. If I'm not interested after that, I just look away, right? I don't have to walk up to you and explain why I don't think we're a good match. So why do that here?

I also don't view it as polite. Actually - it's sort of rude, if you think about it. I've signed off the site, so if you respond, I will get an email telling me I have a message. So, I get the notification, then I take the time to sign back in and read your response. So you make me chase down your rejection? Not cool.

Still, some like the polite response, so I accept it as one of the realities of dating sites. But that response? Wasn't polite. It was mean. This guy not only forced me to work so he could ease his own conscience - he was mean while he did it.

"You're not my type" loosely translated means, "There's something wrong with you." That is not how you politely reject someone.

I know it's cliche, but the truth is, "It's not you, it's me," really is the nicest way to reject someone. I know many say that it's condescending, since everyone knows it's not really what the person means. And in a case where you're ending a relationship - yeah, that's not fair. Be honest. Do the tough thing, and say what's really going on.

But in a polite response? Be polite, for crying out loud! Take the blame yourself; you aren't helping that other person at all by laying the blame with her.

When I bump into someone in the store, I say I'm sorry - it's my fault, even if maybe it wasn't. When I know a customer didn't send an email, but they're sure they did - I say, it didn't come through, can you re send it? I take the blame, I don't place it.

That's polite.

So if you're going to reject me - and you insist on doing so in an email - the least you could do is take the blame. "I'm not interested," or "I don't think we're a good match," both work. They are honest and direct, but still take the blame, rather than place it.

And honestly, I think at some point when you're dating, you have to at least consider the possibility that you just might be the problem.